Read all of my musings of the world, unedited.
Happy 2018 everyone! I hope you all rang in the new year with lots of champagne, midnight kisses and resolutions that hopefully made it past the first few days of this month.
I literally had no clue what to write this post on. After getting so many nice responses last week for my year end post (yes, a not-so-humble brag to start off 2018 the right way), I felt like I had to write something super awesome this week. But for some reason, I literally could not come up with anything.
Do you ever have a week (or a month, or a year) where you can’t come up with the motivation to do something or make a decision? Since fall semester ended, I’ve been in a constant state of pajamas and binge watching any documentary I can find on Netflix. I have about a billion things to do (like, you know, start working on my master’s thesis, no biggie), but I cannot seem to bring myself to find the motivation. I wasn’t even motivated to write this post, which I normally look forward to during the week. Hell, I wasn’t even motivated to try and make a 2018 resolution!
People keep asking me what I am looking forward to this year. And no matter how hard I try, I genuinely can’t come up with anything. Deep down, I know it’ll be a big year. I (hopefully) will graduate with my master’s degree, I’ll get my first job, my baby sister will move off to college… maybe I’ll even move into my first apartment. It’ll be a year of firsts, but instead of being over-the-moon excited, I can’t help but be a little apprehensive. Don’t get me wrong, I think I am finally over my time with the PGL Blues, but I’m not exactly kicking my heels at the start of a whole new year.
Honestly, I think my lack of motivation comes from the total ass-kicking I took in 2017. Rewind to my very very first blog post – two Trifiro family car wrecks, I hated my job, my grandfather was in and out of the hospital and my ex-boyfriend dumped me for the second time in a year. I was lonely and depressed and lost and felt like the life I had built over the last four years had evaporated once I walked across the stage at graduation (melodramatic but true). Bryant had given me a road map, but I felt like I couldn’t even find the “You Are Here” sign. I didn’t have a plan.
Overall, I felt like 2017 was unforgiving and hard and tired me out. It took me a while to figure out that damn road map.
Maybe that’s why I have no expectations for 2018.
When I was younger, I used to plan out everything. I would make five year plans for myself to help keep me on track. In high school, I learned to love this Woody Allen quote:
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
Apparently, it’s a twist on an old proverb: we plan, god laughs. As I’ve gotten older, I can’t think of anything that I can relate to more.
Every plan I have every made has fallen apart somewhere down the line. Every guy I have dreamed of marrying, every job I pictured myself being promoted to, every award I wanted to win – the plans always fell apart.
Plans fall apart. Then you make a new plan, and that one falls apart. And you put the pieces together, and make stupid new years resolutions to try harder, and make another plan. And one day the plan won’t fall apart and you’ll figure out how to work that road map after all.
And after the year I had, I won’t be making any new plans for 2018.
Until next time,